Ugggh... Today, I allow myself some venting, come tomorrow, I'll put myself in "Good thoughts"-mode to support the healing process. I went for the checkup-appointment with the doc - and he wasn't satisfied with the progress. There is a major infection in the gland, it is still swollen, I got a prescription for antibiotics and I'm supposed to continue taking painkillers three times a day, as they are supposed to support the healing of the infection. However.... the doctors see only a dim chance for the gland to heal and if it didn't (and I'm using this tense here on purpose, as I don't intend to follow their line of thinking), they'd remove the gland AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE!!! But this puts me in a very, very bad situation and my situation is already ... well... "tight" is even to weak an expression for what it is (and on top of that, nobody told me, the operation might have to happen that soon). Bottomline: I am in dire need of work. So - I have an interview for a part-time job coming up, which I had to postpone once already, as the pain and limitations when speaking were simply too pronounced to be thinking of presenting myself to a potential employer, being all chipper and all. Now, I had to postpone the interview AGAIN, as the next checkup did collide with it. Second, I am booked for a pretty important writing assignment at the beginning of next month and I already made the booking of flight and train and my credit card will be charged accordingly. If I don't go, I won't see any refund, but the most important bit is, I really, REALLY can't afford to lose that job or rather the compensation I am expecting for it, nor can I afford to let the employer down, because this most likely would terminate that business liaison. Next - as if all of this wasn't stress enough - I have something lined up for me at the end of August, which might be the one big chance I have been waiting for in my professional life - with a major personal significance attached to it, not only in material terms, but also personal potential of becoming happy or at least a lot happier than presently. In order to be able to make the best of this opportunity, I have to be able to speak and use my voice, I might have to travel prior to those two dates and I can't afford to be hospitalized. And then... you still reading? .... the surgery, which is meant to remove the gland, bears the risk of a part of the facial nerve being impaired, at least temporarily, in some - albeit few - cases for good. That would result in my lower lip hanging down on one side..., which - you get the picture - would seriously limit my capacity of speaking clearly or doing other things with my voice, not to mention the cosmetic aspect of it. So... I can't afford this, no Sir!

But, hang on, it gets better: While I'm really racking my brain over how to make it through this current muck, my dad calls to tell me that he had to take my mother back to hospital. She fainted about two weeks ago, was immediately being hospitalized, they diagnosed a cardiac condition, took her to a different hospital, placed a cardiac catheter, which perforated a vene, which again caused interior bleeding. Emergency surgery, some more hospitalization, now back at home for a few days and - developping an anaphylactic shock from the medication she needed to take. I am now hearing, she already said these words when going to hospital: "Good-bye, I have been enjoying being with you and loving you for a lifetime". Who needs books or movies, when they can have THAT??!!!

I mean - c'mon - WTF? Has this family banked some bad karma I don't know of? This is outrageous! And why do all bad things always have to happen at the same time, making it so much harder to deal with - each of them taken individually is decent enough a challenge to tackle, the combined crap is just .... insane!

OK, like I said, I allowed myself some venting today, as I am so fucking pissed, I could break those doctors' faces right away for not having informed me more comprehensively about the timing of a follow-up surgery and for not taking better care of me immediately after surgery. And then all the rest happening at specifically THIS time - I am literally out of my mind with rage!

Tomorrow, I will pull myself together, as I have so many, countless times before, and I'll concentrate on things working out well for me - ALL of it: The recovery process, the interview, the job at the end of the month/beginning of next, and - most importantly - the prospect of making every dream come true by successfully managing those two ... appointments by the end of August. Wish me luck - I never needed it any harder than now! And in this context: Thanks Sherry... you know why.