Wow... the past two days were plain torture. Don't get me wrong: I ain't no pussy. I've known pain for quite a while with a host of conditions I'm suffering from, some more, some less pronounced. So, I'm no stranger to pain and I've learnt to accept it as a part of me, as a part of my life, actually. But this was different. I had forgotten, how demoralizing searing pain can be, how degrading actually, then also humbling, and mostly: Sobering and focussing the mind on the the very basic needs. While I currently choose to live alone and be single (and don't have a problem with that for most of the time), I must admit it would have been nicer to experience love and caring and compassion firsthand. Don't get me wrong: I am extremely grateful and quite moved over your support and replies to my blog posting - I really am! But at times like these, when any self-image you made for yourself collapses into insignificance, into a personal lie actually, when all the auto-affirmative thoughts you employ on a daily basis to stay functional just don't work any more, simply because the sensation of pain is ridding your mind of every other thought, when all the mental crutches I've managed to establish for myself to avoid freaking out constantly and to numb that unbearable inner scream that tears at the very core of my heart ALL THE FUCKING time, when all of these aids cease to play their part, because pain overrides them all and takes the stage - then you feel helpless, desperate, alone out in the dark with bloodhounds circling you and closing in on your vulnerable, maimed body and self. That's the very moment, when a soft voice or a gentle touch will do the trick and remind you of the prospect that all of this is just a passing phase, a temporary experience that will soon be forgotten, as if it had never happened in the first place. That touch or soothing voice will help you "fast forward" your view to the days following your current misery and the restoring of your equilibrium. That part I missed very clearly for the first time in a long time...

So... I'm all the more grateful now that I eventually do see some improvement today, much of the pain subsiding, me actually being able to have the first real meal in 3 days - AND enjoy it - and not have to dwell on thoughts of what I was missing any longer.

And again and truly: Thanks for all your support and concern and greetings and good wishes - thank you!